Face

Saturday 22 May 2010 by Margot
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The me around here seems so much more real than that girl on facebook. I hate facebook. It makes me feel trapped. It’s like I’ve got this superficial, childish image pasted on my face and I can’t get it off. Everything is so predefined there. There’s nothing personal. You can’t make it yours; it’s more you that become its. It’s exactly what I posted on the first post of this blog. I’ve become someone who does what people expect her to do. You know, post the pictures, and make them laugh. Exhibition. As all good things, people get used to it and I just want to throw all effort away. I hate facebook. It gives the wrong image of me to people. I could change it but I won’t because then people will ask me what’s going on. They’ll call me a fake, a poser. I know it isn’t true but they don’t. facebook loves gossip. They love to talk. They don’t even seem like people I actually know in real life anymore. Inhuman. Not because they’re mean or anything but just because everyone is watching. I can’t recognise some faces. If I said that on facebook, people would think I'm profoundly depressed, try to not notice. Pass their way. You can’t say whatever you want when people are looking. And it’s lost. Talking to someone. The accidental smile. The complete understanding of the feeling. The certainty of what’s a joke and what’s irony. The absence of the erase key. No side talks in the private messages. Just purity. Just honesty - or not, but that can be sensed. Spontaneity. What’s friendship and what’s concern. It’s the same for MSN. It feels forced. I feel like I have to talk. I feel like I have to say anything to seem interesting and interested. It bothers me. I’m not that kind of girl. Most of the time, I’m the most silent member of my group of friends. Heck, I even got called Yoda once because I would only open my mouth to say positive, wise stuff. On facebook, I’m not like that. I’m not like me. Not that I hate her. She’s pretty cool. She is me just not all the time. It frightens me. The fact that without deciding it, I’ve became that person for the non-people roaming on it for hours and hours long. They aren’t the people who count. The people who do are counted on the fingers of my hand and toes. Not more. Some spend more time than they should on facebook too but they know me. It’s reassuring. My life is so plain over there. I do more things than what is online; I just don’t want to share deeper thoughts on something so skimpy. How many people really do care on it? I’m not saying facebook is all horror but it just feels too easy. You can find people you haven’t seen in decades at a click of the mouse, you can join groups to learn all the funniest jokes, you can become a fan of a band and suddenly get all the feed instantly… It’s a trap. Everything just falls into your hands and it feels like I’m becoming lazy of actually creating something or doing some research myself and it’s getting me frustrated. It's so easy, people don't have the excuse of not knowing, of being blissfully ignorant. And it makes me write and rant about it on my blog. That powerful. Everyone’s on facebook. I’m free writing right now so I don’t know if I’ll regret anything I’ve said. I probably will but I just felt like bringing the true me out here again. At the same time, all I think I need is a healthier relationship with my cyber life. I need a break, take some off time from facebook. The me around here seems so much more real than that girl on facebook. I’m glad of seeing her again. She says she might come back here more often once her exams are over. She misses this place. She hopes her true friends will follow her here.

I don’t know why I’m typing my life out on here. After all, it isn't that much different from facebook isn't it? It's showing yourself. The only thing I think I appear as is a true narcissistic. I need to get out more.

Listen to: Kid Cudi feat MGMT & Ratatat – Pursuit of Happiness


SUNDAY, 23 MAY 2010

As I predicted, I am having regrets on some things I said up here. I was frustrated about some things when I wrote this out and facebook just seemed like an easy victim. I cleared my head by talking with a friend who listened. And when I mean listen, it’s not plain listening but listening listening. I feel much better now. The thing that upset me still isn’t cleared up but at least I can think more calmly now. I’d like to thank that friend. It made a big change.
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